Aura Decadence

away / trendsetters

2009-08-02T08:11:00.008+02:00

(pic taken today... so you kind of know what i look like at the moment (wondering through...romania).. it's just that i'm a bit more ugly IRL and 3 times fatter)

yesterday i said goodbye not only to the one i love but apparently to myself too.
i'm terrified of leaving this, which i now call "home" -which i've only came to realize when Malthe said that i should be happy going home. what is "home" in a place when one is unwelcome?.

i need to pack, though i won't be packing myself, i'll be packing a stranger. everything has changed. this new fear brings a disgusting metamorphose with it. i'm disgusted with both my appearance and my inside.

i'll try to get a grip, reach my goal which i've lost sight and track of and get it over with this shit cause otherwise... you might lose me. i personally have nothing to lose. <3

*i'll choke in that romanian heat.*

delirium is on it's way :D at this very moment.

ah, and something i wanted to point out some time ago, was that the trendsetters are some fake bitches who like to steal ideas from the unlikable. we are an underground culture, not to be seen and not to be accepted by society. we dress as we wish (apparently not everywhere cause in countries like romania, the labeling rules are in full blooming -.-) , we wear those platforms or high heels which your catwalk models break their ankles with and we wear that hair which is unhealthy. guess what? you people are selling platform shoes, vinyl jackets, bags, shoes, trousers, tops, ripped jeans, t-shirts and tights, fishnet tops, gloves, lace clothing and accessories, skulls and bones on everything, even kids lingerie, rivet belts, shoes, jackets- all regular shops like H&M and such. if you see that stuff on ppl like us, you feel like vomiting or running away, but when you wear it yourself, you love and cherish it. we are the ones who brought you this presents, yet we are never to be rewarded and remain unwanted and weird. you get my point and i have no time to sit and develop this now. packing needs to be done...

oh, and (at least) 80% of the male existence of this planet is in desperate need of castration. i'm over with assholes steered by their cock through life and women. you whores deserve to have your balls cut off with a fucking pair of scissors! NOW i'm writing stuff about you and you won't need a dictionary to translate it all from romanian into misunderstanding. hope you clip your balls into something so they come off!
if this could also become a trend, i might start believing in humanity..

toodelidoo, me needs to go. ripping some t-shirts, making some clothes :P ... if i only had THE body..again... today's menu: 2 apples.

happy birthday to my mom!

missing...

2009-07-23T09:49:00.002+02:00

..you, having you by my side, laughing with you, talking to you, being with you....

gone

2009-07-23T08:55:00.012+02:00

i'll be gone to Dalarna for about a week, after which i'll be in romania = a bullet in my head.

(and i miss my dread extensions which i'd never wear in that village country cause people would get really scared, suspicious, angry or jealous and might attack me.. i've realized that the romanian (you could call it-) "countryman", attacks everything he's scred of, everything he isn't willing to accept and everything that is "weird" to him. his actions being driven by fear or malice....)

Fatso getting even fatter. i'm too disgusting to be allowed to have a life.

"[...]I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here [...]"

Spelar det längre någon roll
Jag orkar inte slåss
Det är bortom min kontroll
Du lämnade mig ensam
Och självklart blev jag rädd
Min sista gnista hopp var att synas att bli sedd
Och jag glömmer bort att andas
För sex, musik och våld var det
vackraste som hänt mig
sen själen min blev såld
Att synas utan att verka ser enkelt ut på håll
Men jag lever på impuls nu via fjärrkontroll
Men jag sa alltid nej

Men ingen, ingen, ingen, ingen hör...

Och gäst ikväll är Jesus
Han har kickat heroin
Han läppjar på sitt glas och Ramlösa blir vin
Han berättar om sina vapen, sin tid i Saint Tropez
Om att ge sig själv en chans, om sin nya Z3
I en värld av idioter står han först i kön
Han berättar framför kameran om hur han bytte kön
Eller något helt annat som också är privat
Om alla dom han älskat och dom han bara sög av
Men han sa alltid nej

if i'll be missing anyone (exept my Malthe) , then it would be those 2 wonderful souls who've always been there for me in joy and tears without me ever sking for them to do so

rage

2009-07-22T21:51:00.005+02:00

madness and my worst nightmare arrived- and she does, what se doesn best: welcomes them with an open soul and heart. i wish i was something more but just a faliure. a dissapointmet. a murderer. and i can not find myself, and i can not save myself, and there is nowhere to go but hide undreneath those sheets with myself devouring me from the inside.

how the fuck can someone kill himself so slowly, so painfully, so endlessly?????????

still, i can smile for you if you want me to. anytime.

and she doesn't give a fuck cause har eyes are being stabbed by tears anyway... and never will she scream, never will she take your hand cause your hand will never be there to take.

fuck.

dissapear.

sinken ist alles was sie machen kann.

ich hasse sie.
ich hasse sie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and you never thought you'd read her cry

materialism

2009-07-22T18:20:00.020+02:00

(pic taken yesyerday)

i can be everything you want me to be
i'll be the clown you all wish to see :DDD

it hurts, but i's not like i'll show it, so chill. and my word may me nothing but shallow to you, just the rage of a brief moment, cause my mood could change at any second.

everything just seems -which can work out pretty good.. can it?... sadly, it does.

i miss everything, and i miss it all the time. we are feeding on illusions and you seem pleased. i wonder though, how much longer can i play along untill i sink under the bottom, the bottom which i happen to have reached these days.

but hey! i've got some presens which i'm a little happy over ^^

nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza

unknown notes

2009-07-21T10:51:00.009+02:00

i came to realize these days that i have no idea what i am listening to any longer. in the past years i used (like every other human being) to know what songs and bands i was listening to, but now, this is something that is no longer known to me.
i've lost my interest for music, i've lost the sense of identifying myself with it. if someone would ask me what song/band i was listening to at almost any moment, i wouldn't know the answer. there are songs that i keep close to my soul, but i have no interest in their name or bands that are playing them... i wonder if one really loses its taste of life and will of living when losing interest in music.. it's not that i don't love it anymore, it's just that nothing really identifies itself with the situations i find myself in and the feelings i have.
i have no more fights to carry against this world, i have no more objections, no more tears to cry, no more complains, and no will of leaving this shit either. just an empty, shallow acceptance and what songs could express such a state of mind and existence?

then, also to the unknown notes cathegory belong my nostalgic emotions of memories that never took place. i'm burdened by heavy images that are about to happen, but live them in my mind and soul as they have already happened: the moving away of everyone i know and love. i feel like i already miss everyone and like i'm not about to see htem again in the close future. the other thing is that it seems to me that those people i love, i love alone -a feeling as a succession of the fact that they never have time for me, always have other, better things to do then being with me.. and i would never open my mouth and crave of them to spend some time with me cause i don't want to disturb their plans, nor do i feel worthy of it. this might be a consequence of the fact that every time i asked for companionship i was turned down or felt unwelcome..

well, life has its own ways for every one of us. so i have nothing to complain.. just wanted to spit my thoughts out, once again.

i hope i'll get to go out and buy some birthday
presents (fabrics, shoes, books and CDs) for myself
later on today <3>
why buy clothes, when you can make them a 100
times cheeper xD plus that i's a damn
good/constructive way of killing time ^______________________,^

*i'm a far too nice person with a whole lot of bad luck*

don't know...

2009-07-20T13:15:00.009+02:00

... much... i thought that along with the passing of time, my condition would change, both inner- and outer condition.. but i guess that age is no cure to me. i thought that madness and solitude were only diseases of puberty.. or stages of puberty.. i was wrong. i'll always be wrong, there'll always be something wrong...just because i am..let's say.. not like you.

i wish i was selfish, i wish i was malicious, i wish i would want things for myself and get others to do them for me... like you do... i wish i knew nothing of empathy, of forgiveness and of understanding. i wish i was cold, arrogant and strong, care free, greedy and manipulative, blind, sopoiled and stupid...like you.. i wish i could bathe in your sea of ignorance and- thanks to that- happiness... but i can't, no matter how hard i try to fool myself, no matter how hard i try to be like that... no matter how hard you try to teach me..

i know that in about 2 weeks i'll sell myself to misery and depression. i wish i'd be like you just so i won't hurt anymore, but if i really were like you, i'd be so ashamed that i'd end up putting a bullet in my head.

i already am ashamed of being human... just cause i look, talk, have the ability to think and act..just like you... cause i am one of these pathetic, disgusting, destroying creatures..
common...

we all want things being done for ourselves, we all want people to care for us, to respect us, to love and protect us, we shout our lungs out about how great we are, how powerful, how caring and religious we are.. but DO YOU REALLY CARE, do you really live and act like your beloved Jesus? common... what do you care about? yourself, your belongings, your family, and maybe friends?..or really..ONLY about yourself? and why care about other stuff like people dying in wars, children dying of hunger and disease, mothers being raped and killed in front of their children?.. why care about this when it doesn't concern you? does it? though if it would happen to you, you'd cry like a pathetic fuck, you’d beg for mercy and search for a shelter among people who'd care....

o really feel like vomiting.. we're so helpless, so pathetic, we the mighty humans...

ah.. well... gotta get going and clean up the house.. noone reads this anyway.. or noone would want to read this.

have a nice day swimmign in your ignorance.

back & fresh

2009-07-17T12:23:00.002+02:00

i haven't written in a while, mostly because i've lost all of my senses and every little trace if inspiration. in the past year, i've learned about being emotionally dead and later on, i've learned for the first time in my life about happiness thanks to my beloved Malthe.

though along with happiness, came manic-depression and delirium.. or madness..which brings me to writing again, to feeling the need of puking my thoughts or emotions out, for if i wouldn't do so i'd drown and choke in them.

the following entries might be disturbing, they might be difficult to read and they might come in 4 different languages (maybe 5) even in the same sentence.

my mind is fucked right now. i've started playing computer games and reading, so that i won't kill myself by thinking too much, sensing too much, knowing too much, acknowledging too much of the reality surrounding me -that instead of taking Zoloft and cutting(which i won't be doing ever again, though i never promise anything).
i've also became a vegetarian/vegan, i've switched from being a professional puker to being a professional starver.. i guess that this is my way of trying to be as less human as possible..

"friends" and "family" is something i came to know not much about, if not- even nothing. we're all born alone and we'll all die alone, so i have nothing to cry over. it only takes some getting used to that though..

ah, well... i have things to do.. in about 12 hours i'll be celebrating my birthday, so i'd better get going and clean up my room and get ready for dinner with my parents and sis. i really don't wanna do anything.. maybe just get drunk with myself.

tada!

( i won't be writing this much next time.. i guess..)

Consequence of depression

2008-04-04T10:54:00.001+02:00

Paint me in a blurry shade of blue
For now I know all that is true
The fields of innocence I’ve left behind
Oh, now I find that they’re all blind

Don’t want to see more of this world
Don’t want to hear an other word
Don’t want to breath the air they exhale
There’s nothing to win, I choose to fail.

Tell them that I’ve passed away, it won’t be a lie
The pages of my spirit ran out of words to cry
I’m just an other split dysfunction, on which life feeds,
Nothing but a shade of blood that never bleeds

They said:
“You can’t be saved, we’ll have you here
Asphyxiated in this grotesque atmosphere”
Those words of grave had me betrayed
I won’t drown in your decent masquerade

I’ll have the prescript overdose of your suicide pills
I’ll memorise your chocking words and those salvation skills
I’ll have a blade just in case they’re not enough
I’ll have them mourn for me, i'll have them laugh

Life cuts deeper, life constantly kills
Only with death the scar slowly heals.
Better off alone, don’t you ever seek for me
I’ll be in my room listening to demises sweet melody.

things i came to realise

2008-02-08T22:49:00.001+01:00

In sweden:- the one suffering infront of the law is the victim (not the criminal)

- there are 2 ways od living and dying: die young by committing suicide or die old and demented -thanks to the swedish system (politics/police/medical service)... for the record, it is the system wiping it's ass with the law, not the regular people. it may take our trust and shove it up its ass.

i laugh at those saying ”you laugh because i’m differetnt, i laugh because you’re all the same” beacuse it’s the mind that makes a difference, not the appearance. you ARE all the same.

you say you dislike copycats when you are being one of them...

showing weakness is strong, running from it i weak

some think they are- or wanna be, something others wish desperately to get rid off.

the hunger for power is easy to alleviate yet the hunger for justice might never come that far.

for some illnesses death is the only cure.

the realist is also known under the name of psychopath.

and one importand thing... you say suicide is weak and cowerdly.. now, how many of you would dare to do it?...and how many of you being infatuated with death are fearing it like hell?? hell, you're so pathetic!

/Aura

“We have art in order not to die of the truth.” /F. Nietzsche (And I.)

2008-02-08T21:21:00.000+01:00

I just can't tell how disgusted I am...these days I had a lot of time watching, feeling, knowing and realizing the way reality actually works and is in a world of humanity. There is something I have always said to myself: "I hate this world: it's too real and we're too creative". We read all this fantasy books, draw all this surreal pictures, create and write about memories which have never existed, to have something higher. Why? -Because we can't accept reality.
We just don't like it. Even though some say they do, how many of them complain about different things like “not enough money” or “I want a bigger house” or “I wish I could be in his/her place”, “I wanna be famous”. Could we ever think of having enough? Will we ever be satisfied and just say “thank you” instead of complaining?
We escape from truth through fairytales. We create all that we do not see, all that we do not have and are not capable of. Our wishes take form in fairytales and so they become a cure and care-taker of our impotence. But don’t we create handicaps for ourselves thinking “he can fly-I can not”? Which brings us further to pitying ourselves.
We create heroes because we're too weak to be them in real life, too lazy and ignorant of what is taking place around us, we create demons and villains just for the sake of having a scapegoat for our own mistakes and mistakes of society... We even lie to ourselves putting up a fake smile, saying things when thinking the opposite, saying we're ok when we're dying, laughing when we're crying. Humans are too weak to cry in public, too ashamed of it. I also like sticking to the fact that showing weakness is strong, running from it i weak and cowardly. We create problems out of nowhere. We’re building up hells for one another.
We dive into dreams, yet forget that there are real issues, real wars to fight. There are some who see and do want to fight, but as a single person with no army, one achieves nothing in this world. The hunger for power is easy to alleviate yet the hunger for justice might never come that far.Were will we land at? We can not trust the police, we can not trust the court, the law is there just for the sake of having something called “law” but that doesn’t scare some away. At least in Sweden the one suffering in front of the law is the victim, not the criminal. People receive medicine from their psychiatrists having side effects like “increases the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior”. Or the doctor says: “you’ll have some panic attacks but you don’t have to worry. Just lie down and take s deep breath”, I’m sorry but did that woman ever have a panic attack to know what kind of despair one has to fight itself through in such a situation?
Or in the newspapers the SSRI medicine was indicated for pregnant women and it said “has only a few side effects”- yes, some of them being suicidal risk, anorexia, panic attacks, increased heart beating, stress…is it something a pregnant woman needs? According to the Swedish society, yes.
Off course we go and watch our movies and read our books after having such a tuff portion of reality, of truth and as a consequence to our exhaustion, we just lie down and do nothing. We run away like fools, like cowards. Please to not complain about suicide people, you’re not better then they are. You hide in you little world full of magic, they hide in the other world cause they don’t have the power or maybe will of hiding behind a glitter wall.
What is the cost of happiness, truth and freedom? Is it death? For some it is.

Will someone please write or tell us about reality? Tell about the truth? No?...Why? Because in a world of humanity the realist is also known under the name of psychopath. Go, tell them what you see, what you know, not one soul would ever listen, they’ll run away from you because reality is too real, too ugly, it requires too much… And the doctors or the leadership of the world might get you and won’t take it easy on you.

Let us all hide and put a smile on our face. As a person we all know said “it’s better to lie in order to survive” yes, in a world led by humanity.

Get a slight grip of reality.

Aura(one of the slaves)