Aura Decadence

yesterday i said goodbye not only to the one i love but apparently to myself too.
i'm terrified of leaving this, which i now call "home" -which i've only came to realize when Malthe said that i should be happy going home. what is "home" in a place when one is unwelcome?.

i need to pack, though i won't be packing myself, i'll be packing a stranger. everything has changed. this new fear brings a disgusting metamorphose with it. i'm disgusted with both my appearance and my inside.

i'll try to get a grip, reach my goal which i've lost sight and track of and get it over with this shit cause otherwise... you might lose me. i personally have nothing to lose. <3

*i'll choke in that romanian heat.*

delirium is on it's way :D at this very moment.

ah, and something i wanted to point out some time ago, was that the trendsetters are some fake bitches who like to steal ideas from the unlikable. we are an underground culture, not to be seen and not to be accepted by society. we dress as we wish (apparently not everywhere cause in countries like romania, the labeling rules are in full blooming -.-) , we wear those platforms or high heels which your catwalk models break their ankles with and we wear that hair which is unhealthy. guess what? you people are selling platform shoes, vinyl jackets, bags, shoes, trousers, tops, ripped jeans, t-shirts and tights, fishnet tops, gloves, lace clothing and accessories, skulls and bones on everything, even kids lingerie, rivet belts, shoes, jackets- all regular shops like H&M and such. if you see that stuff on ppl like us, you feel like vomiting or running away, but when you wear it yourself, you love and cherish it. we are the ones who brought you this presents, yet we are never to be rewarded and remain unwanted and weird. you get my point and i have no time to sit and develop this now. packing needs to be done...

oh, and (at least) 80% of the male existence of this planet is in desperate need of castration. i'm over with assholes steered by their cock through life and women. you whores deserve to have your balls cut off with a fucking pair of scissors! NOW i'm writing stuff about you and you won't need a dictionary to translate it all from romanian into misunderstanding. hope you clip your balls into something so they come off!
if this could also become a trend, i might start believing in humanity..

toodelidoo, me needs to go. ripping some t-shirts, making some clothes :P ... if i only had THE body..again... today's menu: 2 apples.

happy birthday to my mom!

..you, having you by my side, laughing with you, talking to you, being with you....

i'll be gone to Dalarna for about a week, after which i'll be in romania = a bullet in my head.

(and i miss my dread extensions which i'd never wear in that village country cause people would get really scared, suspicious, angry or jealous and might attack me.. i've realized that the romanian (you could call it-) "countryman", attacks everything he's scred of, everything he isn't willing to accept and everything that is "weird" to him. his actions being driven by fear or malice....)





Fatso getting even fatter. i'm too disgusting to be allowed to have a life.







"[...]I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here [...]"

madness and my worst nightmare arrived- and she does, what se doesn best: welcomes them with an open soul and heart. i wish i was something more but just a faliure. a dissapointmet. a murderer. and i can not find myself, and i can not save myself, and there is nowhere to go but hide undreneath those sheets with myself devouring me from the inside.

how the fuck can someone kill himself so slowly, so painfully, so endlessly?????????

still, i can smile for you if you want me to. anytime.

and she doesn't give a fuck cause har eyes are being stabbed by tears anyway... and never will she scream, never will she take your hand cause your hand will never be there to take.


fuck.

dissapear.

sinken ist alles was sie machen kann.

ich hasse sie.
ich hasse sie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



and you never thought you'd read her cry

(pic taken yesyerday)




i can be everything you want me to be
i'll be the clown you all wish to see :DDD




it hurts, but i's not like i'll show it, so chill. and my word may me nothing but shallow to you, just the rage of a brief moment, cause my mood could change at any second.


everything just seems -which can work out pretty good.. can it?... sadly, it does.

i miss everything, and i miss it all the time. we are feeding on illusions and you seem pleased. i wonder though, how much longer can i play along untill i sink under the bottom, the bottom which i happen to have reached these days.


but hey! i've got some presens which i'm a little happy over ^^















































nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza- nimic nu mai conteaza

i came to realize these days that i have no idea what i am listening to any longer. in the past years i used (like every other human being) to know what songs and bands i was listening to, but now, this is something that is no longer known to me.
i've lost my interest for music, i've lost the sense of identifying myself with it. if someone would ask me what song/band i was listening to at almost any moment, i wouldn't know the answer. there are songs that i keep close to my soul, but i have no interest in their name or bands that are playing them... i wonder if one really loses its taste of life and will of living when losing interest in music.. it's not that i don't love it anymore, it's just that nothing really identifies itself with the situations i find myself in and the feelings i have.
i have no more fights to carry against this world, i have no more objections, no more tears to cry, no more complains, and no will of leaving this shit either. just an empty, shallow acceptance and what songs could express such a state of mind and existence?

then, also to the unknown notes cathegory belong my nostalgic emotions of memories that never took place. i'm burdened by heavy images that are about to happen, but live them in my mind and soul as they have already happened: the moving away of everyone i know and love. i feel like i already miss everyone and like i'm not about to see htem again in the close future. the other thing is that it seems to me that those people i love, i love alone -a feeling as a succession of the fact that they never have time for me, always have other, better things to do then being with me.. and i would never open my mouth and crave of them to spend some time with me cause i don't want to disturb their plans, nor do i feel worthy of it. this might be a consequence of the fact that every time i asked for companionship i was turned down or felt unwelcome..


well, life has its own ways for every one of us. so i have nothing to complain.. just wanted to spit my thoughts out, once again.


i hope i'll get to go out and buy some birthday
presents (fabrics, shoes, books and CDs) for myself
later on today <3>
why buy clothes, when you can make them a 100
times cheeper xD plus that i's a damn
good/constructive way of killing time ^______________________,^


*i'm a far too nice person with a whole lot of bad luck*

... much... i thought that along with the passing of time, my condition would change, both inner- and outer condition.. but i guess that age is no cure to me. i thought that madness and solitude were only diseases of puberty.. or stages of puberty.. i was wrong. i'll always be wrong, there'll always be something wrong...just because i am..let's say.. not like you.

i wish i was selfish, i wish i was malicious, i wish i would want things for myself and get others to do them for me... like you do... i wish i knew nothing of empathy, of forgiveness and of understanding. i wish i was cold, arrogant and strong, care free, greedy and manipulative, blind, sopoiled and stupid...like you.. i wish i could bathe in your sea of ignorance and- thanks to that- happiness... but i can't, no matter how hard i try to fool myself, no matter how hard i try to be like that... no matter how hard you try to teach me..



i know that in about 2 weeks i'll sell myself to misery and depression. i wish i'd be like you just so i won't hurt anymore, but if i really were like you, i'd be so ashamed that i'd end up putting a bullet in my head.

i already am ashamed of being human... just cause i look, talk, have the ability to think and act..just like you... cause i am one of these pathetic, disgusting, destroying creatures..
common...

we all want things being done for ourselves, we all want people to care for us, to respect us, to love and protect us, we shout our lungs out about how great we are, how powerful, how caring and religious we are.. but DO YOU REALLY CARE, do you really live and act like your beloved Jesus? common... what do you care about? yourself, your belongings, your family, and maybe friends?..or really..ONLY about yourself? and why care about other stuff like people dying in wars, children dying of hunger and disease, mothers being raped and killed in front of their children?.. why care about this when it doesn't concern you? does it? though if it would happen to you, you'd cry like a pathetic fuck, you’d beg for mercy and search for a shelter among people who'd care....

o really feel like vomiting.. we're so helpless, so pathetic, we the mighty humans...

ah.. well... gotta get going and clean up the house.. noone reads this anyway.. or noone would want to read this.

have a nice day swimmign in your ignorance.